the heart and the mind arent synchronised

hola!
its been a long time since i blogged. :)

firstly, i miss all the girls. damn~ its like so long ive not seen them.... hmm.... <3
secondly, im working. not busy working. so ive no internet access from 8 to 4. sobsss/
well, the rest of the time im too lazy. :D
ive been doing quite a few dance shows. so busy dancing. and with dance comes aches and bruises and sleep. :D so, im like addicted to sleeping. hahahha. till some one caled me a sleeping beauty. lol.

thats mostly about it. these past two days have sent me loads of msgs. maybe im getting the wrong signals, signs, etc.
but well, im just gona write it out.

i think, i should just let things go by the flow. i should not tell my heart what to feel and what not.

the once upon a time wonderful feelings have vanished.
and again, i fail. i blame it all upon myself. not on anyone. i should have been wiser not to get into this deep shit hole. and known the shortcomings i would have to face later. warns myself to what im getting into.

and no, i didnt. i failed at this same very point, AGAIN. :)

im not saying im happy but neither am I sad. I dont know why. its all in there, but yet it isnt coming out like it did, a few weeks earlier. my mind is tellin g me, its over. dun bother looking back. my hearts teeling me no, its still there.

but at the end of the day, shouldnt i see how well i get along. how well i solve problems, how well i deal with things. and not just how happy or excited i get?

its like tht. i was just thinking. if a tiny winny problem stirred so much confusion. millions of apologies. and it still crops up, then what about bigg bigg, and i mean BIG problems? how will they be solved?

i have had no intention to hurt someone, infact anyone intentionally. all tht i do i follow my feelings and i sincerely mean every move. if i do, or did something wron, i apologise, ive apologised and im sorry.

yet, some where in my mind, im blocking things out. its giving me a headache. ive now have a mental block. its so painful, my head tht is. :D.

i wish certain things were like dust, to be just wiped or blown away. instead it stays there like rust and keeps rusting.

ive no idea how things are on the other side, or other corner. somewhere in my heart, i still wish things are the same. Its the norm right? im still a human being. <3

i close my eyes and whisper a prayer, hoping tht its all over. hoping tht it gets better, or hoping tht it all ends. i promised myself nvr to give up, and here i am, hanging at the end of the rope, falling off a cliff, landing on my deathbed. (ewww, tht was emo)

<3 and hugs.
Kaveiinaa