the heart and the mind arent synchronised

hola!
its been a long time since i blogged. :)

firstly, i miss all the girls. damn~ its like so long ive not seen them.... hmm.... <3
secondly, im working. not busy working. so ive no internet access from 8 to 4. sobsss/
well, the rest of the time im too lazy. :D
ive been doing quite a few dance shows. so busy dancing. and with dance comes aches and bruises and sleep. :D so, im like addicted to sleeping. hahahha. till some one caled me a sleeping beauty. lol.

thats mostly about it. these past two days have sent me loads of msgs. maybe im getting the wrong signals, signs, etc.
but well, im just gona write it out.

i think, i should just let things go by the flow. i should not tell my heart what to feel and what not.

the once upon a time wonderful feelings have vanished.
and again, i fail. i blame it all upon myself. not on anyone. i should have been wiser not to get into this deep shit hole. and known the shortcomings i would have to face later. warns myself to what im getting into.

and no, i didnt. i failed at this same very point, AGAIN. :)

im not saying im happy but neither am I sad. I dont know why. its all in there, but yet it isnt coming out like it did, a few weeks earlier. my mind is tellin g me, its over. dun bother looking back. my hearts teeling me no, its still there.

but at the end of the day, shouldnt i see how well i get along. how well i solve problems, how well i deal with things. and not just how happy or excited i get?

its like tht. i was just thinking. if a tiny winny problem stirred so much confusion. millions of apologies. and it still crops up, then what about bigg bigg, and i mean BIG problems? how will they be solved?

i have had no intention to hurt someone, infact anyone intentionally. all tht i do i follow my feelings and i sincerely mean every move. if i do, or did something wron, i apologise, ive apologised and im sorry.

yet, some where in my mind, im blocking things out. its giving me a headache. ive now have a mental block. its so painful, my head tht is. :D.

i wish certain things were like dust, to be just wiped or blown away. instead it stays there like rust and keeps rusting.

ive no idea how things are on the other side, or other corner. somewhere in my heart, i still wish things are the same. Its the norm right? im still a human being. <3

i close my eyes and whisper a prayer, hoping tht its all over. hoping tht it gets better, or hoping tht it all ends. i promised myself nvr to give up, and here i am, hanging at the end of the rope, falling off a cliff, landing on my deathbed. (ewww, tht was emo)

<3 and hugs.
Kaveiinaa

Kanden kadhalai- Naan mozhi arinden

Naan mozhi arindhen un vaarthayil

andru naan vazhi arindhen un paarvayil

naan ennai arindhen un arugilenaan thisai arindhen un vizhiyile

indru naan vali arindhen un pirivile

Naan mozhi arindhen un vaarthayil

andru naan vazhi arindhen un paarvayil

nalladhoru poo vaasam naan arindha velayil

nandha vanam pona idam naan ariyenen

nudaya aahayam kai serndha velayil

vennilavu pona idam naan ariyen

kaatrai pola veesiyaval

kayyai veesi ponadhengey

ootrai pola pesiyaval

oomai aagi ponadhengey

vaazhvai meetu koduthavaley

neeyum tholaindhu ponadhengey

Naan mozhi arindhen un vaarthayil

andru naan vazhi arindhen un paarvayil

kannimayil ore aasai onnjalidum velayil

unmaigalai ulmanadhil kaanbadhillai

punnagayil naan thoonga aasai patta velayil

un madiyil thoongum nilai nyayam illai

megam engu pogum enaneela vaanam ninaipadhillai

kaalam podum veligalaikaalgal thaandi nadapadhillai

vazhndhu pogum vaazhkayiley

namadhu kayyil yedhum illai

Naan mozhi arindhen un vaarthayil

andru naan vazhi arindhen un paarvayil

naan ennai arindhen un arugile

naan thisai arindhen un vizhiyile

indru naan vali arindhen un pirivile

Naan mozhi arindhen un vaarthayil

andru naan vazhi arindhen un paarvayil

neaty heart

i am not in a happy mode or sad mode or angry either. i am just tired. :)

I put on a happy front, hoping tht things would change. I know it would. i pray for things to go back where it was. for it all to be the same. i need to learn. from my mistakes. and i hope you dont repeat yours.

things will be fine, i know it. at the back of my mind. i shut my eyes and hope for the better.

the word hope seems to be coming on a lot, aint it? yes, coz i hope. thats all I can do. i know you arent just 'any other.'

:)

i will wait.

As of from thursday, 1st April,12 am till now.

I dont know. and i dont get it. I dont want to give up. I've done it too many times. I want to stick to it.

Why do you torture me such, oh little feather.
I've never donne such a thing to anyone. more like for anyone! WHY YOU? why do you have such an attraction over my life, over me?? WHY?

I've cried buckets, I feel cheap. This isnt me. I shall wait.

Thats all is runing through my head.

But i dont get it. like seriously. what did i do wrong. why land me with a 40 degree celsius fever. WHY? ugh. you would never know it. atleast not until you read this blog.

I dont want to feel such vulnerability. I am strong. But just what mistake did i Do? I try to be myself. THINK WHAT I WANT TO THINK. and POOOOFFFF there it all goes into thin air.

I have begged enough like a dog. Now, all i shall do is wait. and WAIT. and waiting is ****ing hell.

guys.

I dont get it. how can you go on with the next second without thinking of your problems. I mean if it were me...i would wanna solve tht problem and get on with life. like the way it is. the way its used to be. But no, i will wait.

god-dammit. there it goes. moist on the cheek.

hey, i found out something today. I am hell of a good actor at home. :D so proud.

But its all a lie. crumbled to pieces. like pea-NUTs.

I suck it all in and wait. gather whatever little self respect i have in myself.... and wait.

someone asked, why i choose to wait? and not move on?

the answer is tht moving on was and is never an option. GET IT? never!

ugh. i feel like a smashed sushi. like a lifeless vegetable.
terrible,
horrible,
vegetable.

It rhymed! yeay! argh!

I know whatever ive said is gonna sound perfectly wrong. But yeah. it is wrong.

i just want it as it was before. before these past few weeks. atleast before thursday.

I nvr meant to hurt anyone. Not intentionally. why such suckiness in my life.

sick.

from a sick bird,
kave.