It feels utterly pathetic when you look at the time waiting for it to move minute by minute! ugh!
i havent told amma about tmr night- going out wt my aunty and all
i seriously freaking DO NOT remember a single step of my dance. * screwed*
i hope i can make it out with the girls on thursday.
i hope my aunt can return to me asap. coz im going KUKU!!
lastly,....
i hope someone can be back to normal. :)
ah, isit wrong to only wish good for someone? i dont find myself perfect in anyway. then whats the flaw of being flawless??
ok. that was a little too much...i know. flawless is too much. :D i am not perfect. i try to live up to the expectations set on me. If i fail, then im sorry.
but, i still dont see it, whats the problem then. maybe i just dont know the problem yet.
ah,
If only you knew,
Ive done mistakes,
too ashamed to be told.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Bored~
I am so freaking bored. I can feel my brains just frozen and not working even on simple matters.:D
Anyways, I hope my aunt returns my calls soon so tht i can know if i can work or not!!!
But again, i want to hang out with the girls on thursday! *sighs*
when you have nothing much to think, you mess your head up with nonsensical stuff.:)
I just hope all goes on well...
You know at times, when you feel so inferior of someone. you just dont have the confidence to approach and talk. you feel your life lagging behind you...
ok, this might sound like its a love story or something...ITS NOT!!!
hahaha....its when you have a mummy that says things which are not actually what you feel! grrr. annoying. i know you can read my mind. Some times. but not all the time. and when you are WRONG, just admit it! parents dont do it. :). i know. what ever it is.. i still love her a lot!! :D :D :D. Its weird, ain't it??
I am not exactly the type of person tht is close/ more like clings on to my mother or father, for a fact. NO, i am not the type that tells them what goes on in my life every second. i tell them....the important stuff that they need to know. And thts about it. ~full stop~. and i very much prefer it that way. Some may argue that your parents brought you up...so they deserve to know whats happening everysecond of your life and all. But in fact, dont you think that parents are the ones that nurtured you and so they know what values they have instilled in you, and soon, gain trust of your actions?
In a way, i would say that im just being scared that in case my parents criticise my judgement or my actions, i dont want to argue with them or reason out that decisions that i make have some sense in it. May be...may be thats what has been running through my mind. But yes. I am not a goody two shoes that does it all right. I do things wrongly. So let me fall...and wake up by myself. I am so used to doing it. I learn more from situations as such>:D
lastly....i'm hungry. :D i better have lunch!
from a hungry stomach of,
Kaveiinaa
~peace~ :P
Anyways, I hope my aunt returns my calls soon so tht i can know if i can work or not!!!
But again, i want to hang out with the girls on thursday! *sighs*
when you have nothing much to think, you mess your head up with nonsensical stuff.:)
I just hope all goes on well...
You know at times, when you feel so inferior of someone. you just dont have the confidence to approach and talk. you feel your life lagging behind you...
ok, this might sound like its a love story or something...ITS NOT!!!
hahaha....its when you have a mummy that says things which are not actually what you feel! grrr. annoying. i know you can read my mind. Some times. but not all the time. and when you are WRONG, just admit it! parents dont do it. :). i know. what ever it is.. i still love her a lot!! :D :D :D. Its weird, ain't it??
I am not exactly the type of person tht is close/ more like clings on to my mother or father, for a fact. NO, i am not the type that tells them what goes on in my life every second. i tell them....the important stuff that they need to know. And thts about it. ~full stop~. and i very much prefer it that way. Some may argue that your parents brought you up...so they deserve to know whats happening everysecond of your life and all. But in fact, dont you think that parents are the ones that nurtured you and so they know what values they have instilled in you, and soon, gain trust of your actions?
In a way, i would say that im just being scared that in case my parents criticise my judgement or my actions, i dont want to argue with them or reason out that decisions that i make have some sense in it. May be...may be thats what has been running through my mind. But yes. I am not a goody two shoes that does it all right. I do things wrongly. So let me fall...and wake up by myself. I am so used to doing it. I learn more from situations as such>:D
lastly....i'm hungry. :D i better have lunch!
from a hungry stomach of,
Kaveiinaa
~peace~ :P
Friday, February 5, 2010
Some poems that i love to read.
Ever heard of Radha Krishna, Or the story of the bakhti-filled mirabai??
well, here are some stuffs i copied from a website. :D
Devotion for Lord Krishna is equated with a huge range of emotions and states of mind - from eroticism and sensuality to renunciation and surrender. Complete immersion of one's soul in Krishna's soul, is regarded as the path to unadulterated devotion for Krishna. Radha and Mirabai are seen as the twin zeniths of devotion for Lord Krishna. Opposites in some sense and yet so much one in their love for the lord, the devotion of Mirabai and Radha for Krishna show the oneness of eroticism and renunciation, and finally, the convergence of both into the omnipresent soul of Krishna in the form of single-minded love and devotion.
Mirabai
Guide this little boat over the waters,
What can I give you for fare?Our mutable world holds nothing but grief,
bear me away from it.Eight bonds of karmahave gripped me,
the whole of creationswirls through eight million wombs,
through eight million birth-forms we flicker.
Mira cries. Dark One
take this little boat to the far shore,
put an end to coming and going.
The Dark One's love-stain is on her,
other ornaments Mira sees as mere glitter.
A mark on her forehead
,a bracelet, some prayer beads,
beyond that she wears only her conduct.
Make-up is worthless
when you've gotten truth from a teacher.
the Dark One has stained me with love,
and for that some revile me,others give honor
I simply wander the road of the sadhus
lost in my songs.
It is through love that she communes with God. "Mira's Lord is none other than Giridhara." (Giridhara being Krishna) - these are usually the ending words of Meera's poems which are predominantly an expression of her oneness with Krishna. Mira's love for Krishna is all-encompassing. The lord of her heart and soul, she used to weep for him and spend sleepless nights for a sight of him. Mirabai says she had "sold" herself - surrendered herself - completely to him. She says "I am colored with the color of dusk", dusk implying the color of Krishna. As if her love for Krishna permeated every pore of her body, just like dye permeates a garment.
This aspect of union through surrender is predominant in Mira's poetry.
For Mirabai, her freedom lay in her union with her lord. She sings:
"Love in which there is laughter and sobbing, Moaning, throbbing and clasping in tight embrace, That alone is liberation for me, I care for no other."
For Mirabai, her freedom lay in her union with her lord. She sings:
"Love in which there is laughter and sobbing, Moaning, throbbing and clasping in tight embrace, That alone is liberation for me, I care for no other."
Mirabai's background.
This great saint of Hinduism and one the greatest devotees of Krishna, Mirabai was born into the royal family of Rana Ratan Singh of Merta in Rajasthan in 1498 A.D. As a three-year old child she grew extremely fond of a statue of Lord Krishna. So much so that her mother had once jokingly remarked that Krishna would one day be the girl's (Mirabai's) groom. This remark made an indelible mark on the impressionable mind of the young child.
She nurtured the notion of Krishna being her sole lord, her lover, friend and husband as she matured into a woman. She agreed to her marriage to Rana Kumbha of Mewar in Rajasthan, against her heart's wishes, to honor her grandfather's promise to Rana Kumbha. In spite of her marriage, her heart still belonged to Lord Krishna and she spent a great deal of time in the Krishna temple at her husband's palace, albeit after fulfilling her household duties. Conspiracies were unfortunately hatched against her by several around her, to defame her, and eventually to kill her, but all of those could not deter her from her chosen path of devotion. Her husband however is seen to have been a sympathizer of Mirabai, till her death in 1546 A.D. According to other versions, though, it is believed that her husband died within ten years of their marriage.
She nurtured the notion of Krishna being her sole lord, her lover, friend and husband as she matured into a woman. She agreed to her marriage to Rana Kumbha of Mewar in Rajasthan, against her heart's wishes, to honor her grandfather's promise to Rana Kumbha. In spite of her marriage, her heart still belonged to Lord Krishna and she spent a great deal of time in the Krishna temple at her husband's palace, albeit after fulfilling her household duties. Conspiracies were unfortunately hatched against her by several around her, to defame her, and eventually to kill her, but all of those could not deter her from her chosen path of devotion. Her husband however is seen to have been a sympathizer of Mirabai, till her death in 1546 A.D. According to other versions, though, it is believed that her husband died within ten years of their marriage.
Such great was her devotion that it is believed that she merged with the lord in his temple at Dwarka in Gujarat. According to one version, she is believed to have entered the sanctum of the temple in a state of singing ecstacy. The sanctum doors are believed to have closed on their own and when later opened, the sari (garment) of Mirabai was seen enwrapped around the idol of lord Krishna.
At sunset, on the river bank, Krishna loved her for the last time and left...
That night in her husband's arms, Radha felt so dead that he asked, "What is wrong,
Do you mind my kisses, love?"
And she said, No, not at all, but thought,
What is It to the corpse if the maggots nip?
--Kamala Das, in "The Maggots"from "The Descendants"---
--Kamala Das, in "The Maggots"from "The Descendants"---
Punish me, lovely fool!
Bite me with your cruel teeth!
Chain me with your creeper arms!
Crush me with your hard breasts!
Angry goddess, don't weaken with joy!
Let Love's despised arrows Pierce me to sap my life's power!
-- Poet Jaidev in the Geet Govindam,portraying the words of Krishna for Radha ---
-- Poet Jaidev in the Geet Govindam,portraying the words of Krishna for Radha ---
Love in all its forms finds its epitome in the "dual-unity" of Lord Krishna and his beloved, Radha. Krishna is seen as the universal symbol of the lover and the ideal hero (nayak) while Radha as the universal symbol of the beloved and the ideal heroine (nayika). As lovers, their divine love-play encompassed a whole range of variations. It is as if all lovers in the universe can find some part of themselves reflected in the love of Radha and Krishna.
Such is the charisma of the love-lore of Radha and Krishna, such is its vastness spread over a million emotions, and such is its brilliance, that the name of their love and them as lovers has become a sanctifying force for all contact between the sexes, sometimes also a cover for human prurience.
Radha's background.
The daughter of a cowherd-leader, Vrishabhanu and his wife, Kamalavati, Radha was born in Barshana, a village near Vrindavan, which was the childhood home of Krishna. She was married off to a man known by the name of Ayan. She however, could never love her husband because her heart belonged to Krishna. The nature of her illicit and adulterous affair with Krishna though might seem to be for her own-selfish interests, in her union with Krishna, against the norms of family, society, and even religion, she gives an example of how to give everything up for God. For it was God who also loved Radha - her selfishness actually being selflessness, the real truth behind the Raas Leela - the love play of Radha and Krishna.
Krishna, even as a child, used to be a favorite of womenfolk of Vrindaban, his childhood home. As he grew up, his aggressive and yet attractive behavior with the strong but transparent sexual overtones were secretly approved of by females. As a lover, he turned out to be an ideal for each woman who experienced his love. During his love sessions with the Gopis (female companions of Krishna) he was careful and dexterous enough to create a divine illusion of being individually available to each of the Gopis. He was a perfect partner in lovemaking - both untiring and accomplished. But his mastery over love was capped by his treating women as partners in love rather than sex objects, by his experiencing the same suffering of separation and longing as was experienced by his lovers.
It was this heroic lover - a perfect lover for many - whose heart was captured by Radha. Radha - who turned out to be the special companion for Krishna - for whom Krishna longed - but not only for her body and mind but also her soul - wherein lies the divinity of Radha's love for Krishna.
Radha had, on the orders of Nanda, Krishna's foster father and leader of the cowherds, escorted Krishna through the forest each evening. However, on the way in a grove, Krishna and Radha played out their secret passion. Krishna, however is unfaithful to Radha as he indulges in his romances with several other Gopis, while Radha's thoughts rest solely on Krishna. Radha is jealous as she imagines the "vines of his great throbbing arms circle a thousand gopis". More importantly, she experiences, the turmoil in emotions of a proud, passionate woman who feels deserted by her lover. She yearns for Krishna and this draws Krishna's thoughts to Radha's.
Krishna's heart, which had always reached out to many Gopis, pleasuring all and loving all, felt a unique tug towards this unique woman - Radha. Radha became the focus of Krishna's heart's desires - an irreplaceable lover whose power of pulling Krishna to herself, could not be any longer ignored by Krishna. Radha made Krishna repent for his straying ways and when Krishna could finally take no more, she relented.
As Jaidev writes so beautifully in the Geet Govindam about this sequence:
"Paint a leaf on my breasts!
Put colour on my cheeks!
Lay a girdle on my hips!
Twine my heavy braid with flowers!
Fix rows of bangles on my hands, And jewelled anklets on my feet!"
Her yellow-robed lover Did what Radha said.
Conclusion
Lord Krishna's mystique has created an aura around him in Hindu Mythology. The equation that the feminine gender shares with him is unique in the Hindu religion. In spite of being Narayana himself (one of the trinity of supreme Gods in Hindu religion) his personality is that which humans can identify with. He is a God and yet loves passionately and indulges in love-relationships which do not conform to the conventional societal and religious standards that "good" beings are believed to work within. He is all-powerful yet surrenders to his greatest lovers. He is the highest deity and yet he worships all those whose devotion for Krishna envelopes their very soul.
It is this Lord Krishna, to whom so many have dedicated their souls to. Devotion and love for Lord Krishna has been the sole purpose of their existence. But for a few of those, their existence itself had become synonymous with love for Krishna. Their love for Krishna shone in brilliance which was as brilliant as the aura of Krishna himself. Radha and Meerabai were two such devotees, whose love for Krishna reached a pinnacle of devotion, where their identities merged into Krishna's. And in spite of the same love for the same lord, Meerabai differed from Radha in soul and mind.
In the morning.
I woke up in the morning....wt the faint sound of amma saying..."kaveiinaa wake up". i just said..okok. woke up redy. Found it hard to open my eyes coz it was swollen like some bee stung it.
weird??
i know. i was wondering why myself. and then i realised my whole cheeks were wet. So was my pillow. For a moment i thought i pee'd on my bed. but doesnt make sense right. I dont have a bladder anywhere near my face. So i concluded that i cried. sighs. why? dont ask.
I'm keeping my emotions under control. Can u actually cry for no blady reason? Or am i living in denial of the reason i actually cried? I'm hard-headed.a snob. a talkative pig. Yes all of it. I dont look like what i am upfront. and yes, i am fragile, although i dont admit it. i still dont, btw.
i woke up and went downstairs. Saw the two bottle of perfumes and thought...."ah, such sweet things". It was my first bottle of perfumes i got for MYSELF. lol. Eya is gonna spray it, i know. :D Nevertheless, the gift was still for me. I thank the person for his company and gifts and owh, the ghostie, for its superb atmosphere. lol.
Operate at your heart level and not your head level. There is a difference. I am yet to know it all. But i am not gonna let my emotions influence my intelectual capacity or my ability to think wisely. Wisdom comes with experience. and i have yet to gained it. But there is a question lingering on my mind right now.... Can you actually decide your destiny? Are you the one who decides your future? Coz there is a saying that goes, What man cenceives and believes in, he can acheive it. So can i? Or is there an external power called fate where our whole life is written in a diary up there?
If there is,? then why do they say work hard to acheive your success. In that sense, doesnt it mean that we actually decide our destiny, as the saying goes? I think we do. No matter what is written up there for us, true we cant change it. But at times, we cant rely on the four words, F>A>T>E. Not gonna work coz life is measured from how hard or how smart u work your way through it. So doesnt this saying apply for ALL aspects of our lives?
from the pondering mind of,
Kaveiinaa
weird??
i know. i was wondering why myself. and then i realised my whole cheeks were wet. So was my pillow. For a moment i thought i pee'd on my bed. but doesnt make sense right. I dont have a bladder anywhere near my face. So i concluded that i cried. sighs. why? dont ask.
I'm keeping my emotions under control. Can u actually cry for no blady reason? Or am i living in denial of the reason i actually cried? I'm hard-headed.a snob. a talkative pig. Yes all of it. I dont look like what i am upfront. and yes, i am fragile, although i dont admit it. i still dont, btw.
i woke up and went downstairs. Saw the two bottle of perfumes and thought...."ah, such sweet things". It was my first bottle of perfumes i got for MYSELF. lol. Eya is gonna spray it, i know. :D Nevertheless, the gift was still for me. I thank the person for his company and gifts and owh, the ghostie, for its superb atmosphere. lol.
Operate at your heart level and not your head level. There is a difference. I am yet to know it all. But i am not gonna let my emotions influence my intelectual capacity or my ability to think wisely. Wisdom comes with experience. and i have yet to gained it. But there is a question lingering on my mind right now.... Can you actually decide your destiny? Are you the one who decides your future? Coz there is a saying that goes, What man cenceives and believes in, he can acheive it. So can i? Or is there an external power called fate where our whole life is written in a diary up there?
If there is,? then why do they say work hard to acheive your success. In that sense, doesnt it mean that we actually decide our destiny, as the saying goes? I think we do. No matter what is written up there for us, true we cant change it. But at times, we cant rely on the four words, F>A>T>E. Not gonna work coz life is measured from how hard or how smart u work your way through it. So doesnt this saying apply for ALL aspects of our lives?
from the pondering mind of,
Kaveiinaa
A day out.
So here i am. sitting down with a sored leg. *sighs*. i blame it all upon my laziness of not dancing. But i really have to keep up with dance coz its killing the crap outta me.
I went out with Richard and his whole geng today. They were a great, fun bunch to be with. Everyone was so tired coz they were playing badminton for a tournament tmr. but overall they were really nice!!!:D
I came back home late. Nearly 8 i reached home. Amma wasnt pissed or anything. She was fine and jolly. Just tht she got her food really late. thats all.
But i was just wondering. WHen will a day come...where i dont need tot ell lies anymore. When will a day come where i can just go out with richard aithout having to tell amma that it was someone else. I need to have the courage in me to tell. Yet i cant find it. It just seems so lost...somewhere in my soul. Maybe its coz the way i met him...through the net. and amma isnt really open minded, or maybe i just dont know her. Maybe its just a mothers instinct to be protective. Nonetheless, i still am scared of what her reaction might be. He isnt anything more than a really close and like my best friend right now. Atleast thats where it stands right now. But im scared to tell it out. Maybe if i can find the courage to introduce him as a friend first, then things would go on smoothly. I dont wanna continue this lie. I dont wanna break anyone's trust. I know my limits and wether i do something is right or wrong. I hope i dont get caught in my own web of lies. I really do. I want this to end fast. Let the truth prevail. It seems like its never gonna come. I pray, that it will. Soon.
From a confused girl.
I went out with Richard and his whole geng today. They were a great, fun bunch to be with. Everyone was so tired coz they were playing badminton for a tournament tmr. but overall they were really nice!!!:D
I came back home late. Nearly 8 i reached home. Amma wasnt pissed or anything. She was fine and jolly. Just tht she got her food really late. thats all.
But i was just wondering. WHen will a day come...where i dont need tot ell lies anymore. When will a day come where i can just go out with richard aithout having to tell amma that it was someone else. I need to have the courage in me to tell. Yet i cant find it. It just seems so lost...somewhere in my soul. Maybe its coz the way i met him...through the net. and amma isnt really open minded, or maybe i just dont know her. Maybe its just a mothers instinct to be protective. Nonetheless, i still am scared of what her reaction might be. He isnt anything more than a really close and like my best friend right now. Atleast thats where it stands right now. But im scared to tell it out. Maybe if i can find the courage to introduce him as a friend first, then things would go on smoothly. I dont wanna continue this lie. I dont wanna break anyone's trust. I know my limits and wether i do something is right or wrong. I hope i dont get caught in my own web of lies. I really do. I want this to end fast. Let the truth prevail. It seems like its never gonna come. I pray, that it will. Soon.
From a confused girl.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
A little Updating
Haloo!!! i'm back again.:D
there has been too many things thats been going on.
1stly, I got my A lvl results. much as how i expected it to be.
2ndly i got the Sime Darby Scholarship.
3rdly Ive started dance class.
4thly i passed my driving test.
Over all. Lifes been excetionally good.
1. results. You should have seen how we girls were shivering at 1 am in the morning thinking tht the reults were gonna be out then. actually, it was 1 am-UK time. sighs. So all went back to slp. i woke up at 9 to check. Only managed to get in at 10 am. So i got 4 a 1B. Good enough fo rme. As long as i fulfil the conditional requirements.:D
2. Scholarship. I didnt think that i would get it as people usually say u need to apply for more before you even get chosen and etc. But i did get it. I'm going to Aus, Uni of New South Wales. I guess i better start eating all i can now...coz the food there is really exspensive.:D Nonetheless, i know i will be missing home loadzz.
3.Dance class. OWH!!!! somethig tht i really freaking effin' miss!!! i went back but i sort of lagged. Prolly coz a year i didnt dance and all. I dont have my stamina yet and i'm sort of catching up late. So i will try my best. BEsides....its my time to show what i can do best. there will be 2 shows in March and two in April. I wanna do it all!. Also, i might be still dancing in Aus.IF all is well and i find a teacher near my place...i will definately go.! :D It would be a good change of environment to be exsposed to a new teacher. :D :D. iw ill be missing master and the other dance mates though.
4. Driving. Well i passed. But a little confusion. The first time i drove the Myvi,...i was a little scared. DUH! its AUTO and much bigger than a kancil!!!! So i was a little slow and scared. Acha wanted to send me for extra classes. But instead, now...amma has taken me to drive almost everywhere. Well, to town ni actually. Atleast im getting exsposed tot he highways...jammed areas and etc. So i guess i'm geting more confident with the car. :D : D: D
Thts all now. I better rush. Coz i have some hsework to be done and i will be going out with Richard in like... AN HOUR! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!! i havent even had my bath. kk. CHAO!
wriiten by
sleepy, stinky kave. :D
there has been too many things thats been going on.
1stly, I got my A lvl results. much as how i expected it to be.
2ndly i got the Sime Darby Scholarship.
3rdly Ive started dance class.
4thly i passed my driving test.
Over all. Lifes been excetionally good.
1. results. You should have seen how we girls were shivering at 1 am in the morning thinking tht the reults were gonna be out then. actually, it was 1 am-UK time. sighs. So all went back to slp. i woke up at 9 to check. Only managed to get in at 10 am. So i got 4 a 1B. Good enough fo rme. As long as i fulfil the conditional requirements.:D
2. Scholarship. I didnt think that i would get it as people usually say u need to apply for more before you even get chosen and etc. But i did get it. I'm going to Aus, Uni of New South Wales. I guess i better start eating all i can now...coz the food there is really exspensive.:D Nonetheless, i know i will be missing home loadzz.
3.Dance class. OWH!!!! somethig tht i really freaking effin' miss!!! i went back but i sort of lagged. Prolly coz a year i didnt dance and all. I dont have my stamina yet and i'm sort of catching up late. So i will try my best. BEsides....its my time to show what i can do best. there will be 2 shows in March and two in April. I wanna do it all!. Also, i might be still dancing in Aus.IF all is well and i find a teacher near my place...i will definately go.! :D It would be a good change of environment to be exsposed to a new teacher. :D :D. iw ill be missing master and the other dance mates though.
4. Driving. Well i passed. But a little confusion. The first time i drove the Myvi,...i was a little scared. DUH! its AUTO and much bigger than a kancil!!!! So i was a little slow and scared. Acha wanted to send me for extra classes. But instead, now...amma has taken me to drive almost everywhere. Well, to town ni actually. Atleast im getting exsposed tot he highways...jammed areas and etc. So i guess i'm geting more confident with the car. :D : D: D
Thts all now. I better rush. Coz i have some hsework to be done and i will be going out with Richard in like... AN HOUR! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!! i havent even had my bath. kk. CHAO!
wriiten by
sleepy, stinky kave. :D
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